Procrastination

Last year, in October, I attended a retreat in Pennsylvania.  This retreat is a thing that we (my husband and I) attend every year. It focuses on Ki Gong (qigong/Chi gong, depending on the country of origin) practice and is hosted by the Tang Soo Do Association that we are part of.  The location changes every year and depends on the region that is chosen to host it. We hosted in Wisconsin in 2024 and this year it will be in San Francisco. Anyway, Last year at the retreat, I had the amazing idea to teach a session at this year's retreat about women's health.  I proposed this idea to the person hosting and, they, of course, loved the idea. Yay! I am teaching a class!

What the fork did I just do to myself!?

A. I hate speaking in front of people.

B. Perimenopause and ADHD have destroyed my memory... what makes me think I am going to remember anything that I want to say?

C. How can I teach something if I can't produce words on a normal day, then adding the anxiety of public speaking, I am going to look like an idiot!  (Good thing the presentation is about perimenopause symptoms)

I heard someone say once, "There’s no worse idea than a good one — especially the one I had last week". There are few quotes that really resonate with me, but that is definitely one of them. At the time, I thought it would be a great thing for me to research and practice for a full year before I had to give the presentation. I thought "I have plenty of time to prep and research and practice" so I can give real suggestions and have results to share.

Cue Hyper focus - I ordered several books specific to Qi Gong and women's health, books on perimenopause and menopause, and started doing online research, right away. This lasted for about a week.  long enough for my books to arrive in the mail and for me to put them on my bookshelf. Then my thought was " I have a whole year to do this research/read these books, if I do it now, I will just forget all the information by the time I need to present it." And " I can start practicing the exercises later."

The next thing I know it's July, and I think to myself, " I should probably start working on that presentation." so I grab the books off the shelf and do some reading, take some notes, do more online research, make an outline... "I still have a few months; I don't need to do this now." The books go back on the shelf, and I forget about it again.

August comes and my husband asks "How's your presentation going? We should schedule a time for both of us to work on our presentations" (he is also doing a session at this clinic). I tell him that I have started my research and it will be fine and I start looking through my notebook of notes again and do more online research, then promptly table it again.

September 1st comes and goes. "Oh shit, the clinic is in two weeks, I better start working on it."  So, I sit down at my computer with my notebook and books and create a PowerPoint template. I manage to get a presentation outline and several slides of basic information down, then get distracted and go do something else...for several (14) days. September 14th hit and finally panic mode kicks in.  We leave for San Francisco on the 17th.  Shit, shit, shit! On the 14th I manage to get all my references and a good bit of information down. I decide that I want to create a handout, so people have a "quick reference". After several hours I am reminded that there is no such thing as a "quick reference" in Qi Gong or TCM because the answer to everything is "it depends".  TCM treats the cause not the symptom. In order to do that there are many factors that are assessed and because of that there are many things that may cause one symptom.  So, when I want to make a "quick reference" on how to help hot flashes, I can't do it because not all hot flashes are created equally.  Fuck! I should have started this weeks ago! 

Anyway, I made good progress on the presentation on the 14th. I didn't finish it, but I did spend several hours working on it and am feeling pretty good about what I have down. I then decide I need a break, so I go do other things with the intention of going back to it in the afternoon.  I didn't... it's fine, I can work on it tomorrow.

The morning of the15th, I had a thought. "Where is that green tote that has the baby quilt's I made for my daughter's future (not conceived yet) babies?"  All of the sudden that is my focus, so I wander the house looking for it and, in the process, decide that I NEED to clean out the spare room closet and purge some things. Again, cue hyper focus, I completely empty the closet, go through boxes, find a bunch of stuff to sell or donate, reorganize, get sidetracked when I go into another room (and decide to organize, measure and list all my ribbon to sell). At one point, my husband comes into the room, talks to me for a little bit about the closet, and asked, "What prompted this?" My first thought and response... "I have a presentation to write, so naturally I am cleaning out this closet instead". It was a very important task that definitely needed done at that moment.  Oh yeah, and I still haven't found that tote.

September 16th. We leave for the airport at 9 am tomorrow. It's a 2-hour drive to ORD and our fight leaves at 1pm. So, basically, I have today to finish the presentation, prep the house for our pet sitter (our daughter and her fiancé), pack all our stuff and make sure that we don't forget anything.  That brings up the question, "What am I doing right now?" Of course, I am writing a blog post, not working on my presentation.