Trigger warning
This entry talks about death. Loss of a parent, loss of a friend, and suicide. If this will trigger you in any way, please maybe skip the first two sections.
August is a rough month
Historically, August is a hard month for me emotionally. Sadness hits me pretty hard around mid-month and has since 2011, when I lost me my dad. I was 30, he was 54. It was sudden and unexpected. I was woken up pretty early on the 24th with a call from my mom telling me he had passed. The day before he suffered a stroke, he was taken to the hospital, and things went downhill fast.
My dad and I were very close, we butted heads a lot, but I was always daddy's girl despite our issues. He had his problems, but he was a good dad and a better Popi (grandpa).
He passed away in Arizona, we live in Wisconsin. I was fortunate enough to have him at me wedding (two months before he passed) and to be able to see him again the end of June when we (my husband and I) flew through Arizona to pick up our daughter after our honeymoon. That was the last time I saw him, although I did talk to him frequently on the phone. The desire to call him is probably the hardest thing to get rid of, even after 15 years, I still have the urge when something good happens or if I feel like I need some advice.
Fast forward to 2022
In August of 2022, as I was struggling through my grief about dad, as usual, and dealing with what I now realize was early peri-menopause emotions, I lost my best friend.
She had been dealing with some terrible emotional dysregulation. Also likely due to perimenopause, but also a drug and alcohol addiction which was leading to the potential of losing custody of one of her kids to his dad. She lived in Colorado and drove to Wisconsin in May with all three of her kids. It was clear she was struggling, mentally and emotionally, despite trying to hide it.
After she went back to Colorado, things seemed to get worse. Her drinking and erratic behavior lead to several stints in inpatient treatment and trigger the father of one of her kids to file for custody. I did what I could to help her, letting her vent, sending her "happy mail", just being there for her, as much as I could as I pushed through my own issues.
On August 16th, she called around 8pm. I was in a rough spot and didn't answer my phone. I could barely deal with my own shit and wasn't sure I could handle hers, so I let it go to voicemail. I didn't end up calling her back. I Still have that message on my voicemail, and I still haven't listened to it. I did read the voice transcription, but I don't know what hearing her voice will do to me.
On August 19th, my husband called while I was at work, said he was coming up for lunch (what a nice surprise!). He had received a call from Mandi's ex-husband (G, another dear friend of mine) letting him know that Mandi had passed away, in an apparent suicide. My husband came to work to tell me because he didn't want me to hear it over the phone. G also thought it would be better to hear the news in person which is why he called J and not me.
She was 45 (my current age). There is some survivor's guilt, which I deal with when it shows up. Would things be different if I Had answered the phone or even just called her back? I wasn't there for her when she needed me and that is a really shitty feeling. She was my best friend, my matron of honor, my daughter's god mother. I miss her so much.
My hormones SUCK!
For whatever reason, this cycle has been particularly rough. The first part was okay, but it seems like my PMS was worse that it has been in a few months. My fuse was epically short and my depression and anxiety have been terrible. I have noticed in increase in my anxiety and intrusive thoughts over the past couple months, they have been creeping back in slowly but this month, by far, has been awful.
I am not completely sure of the cause, but I imagine it's hormones and probably because I stopped taking my LDN for a little while (turns out that stuff actually doe help). But also, everyday things in life are really affecting me. The normal things like finances, household chores, the reconstruction of our bathroom after a toilet leak, not being happy with my job, having to listen to stupid people at work and realizing that my supervisor is actually a right leaning misogynist that needs to feel like he has power over everything are just a few things that are making the struggles harder.
Of course, all of that has been compounded by my hormones this cycle my annual month of sadness. I am a wreck. I can barely function. I cry a lot. I want to tell people everything that is on my mind. I want to rage and scream and tell people to stop being stupid. I want to curl up and die. I want to sleep all day. and I certainly don't want to be at work for 12 hours a day for four days. Oh, did I mention that we have mandatory overtime at work, so I have to be there more than I already am. Yay...
As life would have it, my mandatory overtime day is August 20. So, the four days between losing Mandi and losing my dad, I will be stuck at work, trying to function and be a normal human while struggling through too many emotions. Great, just fucking great.
How do I fix Myself?
I realized how bad things were a couple days ago, well, that's a lie, I realized it when it started getting bad, but a couple days ago I decided I needed to do something to get out of this state of mind before something bad happens. I did some research at work and found that EMDR therapy could be beneficial. I found the Calm app which has some EMDR style meditations, downloaded it and got a subscription. I did a four-minute meditation at work during lunch and immediately noticed I was feeling a little better.
Quick side note, the Calm app subscription was like $60 for a year of access. I can't remember if this was a promotion or the normal price, but seriously, that $60 seemed to help after only FOUR MINUTES, so it's worth it.
That night, I put my ear buds in and listened to another EMDR style meditation as I was going to bed. Surprisingly, I woke up feeling just a little better. Seriously, any little bit of change in my mood is fantastic, so I'll take it! AT work, I was still pretty short, but able to handle things better and was less angry overall. Like I said, I have only tried this for a couple days and I plan to continue with the hopes of any positive changes in my mood. I am also on cycle day 2, so I know my estrogen will be increasing which usually is a mood booster, so there is hope that I will actually make it through the fuckery of the next seven days.
Some other changes that have happened over the last couple days include, adding an iron supplement, apparently my ferratin levels were on the low side of normal range, so the doctor recommended a supplement, especially with my period rapidly approaching. Today is my off day, so I don't have to stress from driving or having to go to work. I get to hang out with my hubby and my dogs and just relax (until it's time to put in a bathroom floor).
I do want to make a quick shout out to my hubby. He saw how I was feeling and did everything he could to help me feel better. Evey night I worked, dinner was ready when I got home, he gave me a back rub and a foot rub, snuggled with me on the couch while we watched silly shows, listened to me vent about all the fuckery and has been everything I need when I get home from work. I can't thank him enough for helping me through all of this. He is the best!
I am running out of things to say, and my ADHD brain is telling me to go do other things, making it hard to focus on writing anymore. So, with that I will wrap this up. I am sorry for the depressing stories, but I hope this was maybe helpful for someone. Thank you for reading, I feel like getting this out in the open has helped me a little bit.
Add comment
Comments